My ex-gf had been calling me. Flirting too. Been tempted. I’m only human, single, lonely. But my new-found paranoia of drama kicked in and limited my involvement to the occasional lunch and listening to her troubles. The other day she called in a panic after having been evicted from her new bf’s apartment for not being on the lease. (With her criminal record it’s pointless for her to even be on any lease application.) There’s obviously got to be more to the story; either her confrontational manner got her in trouble, or someone has it in for her and ratted her out. Perhaps the bf’s ex who is another whack job or Angel’s on-again/off-again loose-cannon bestie from the methadone clinic. It’s sad to witness Angel’s downfall from the peak of her profession, saving lives, making a difference, to drug addict and homeless. My biggest failure, I never made a difference. Everyone warned me she was bad news, but I imagined myself to be a troubled-woman-whisperer, but learned the hard way I’m not. Can’t save someone so hell-bent on self destruction. Thought about her homelessness for a day and decided to maintain the boundaries, couldn’t take her in even temporarily out of respect for my daughter (Angel went after her on “haywire day.”) Couldn’t give her any more “loans” other than some gas money, would only be throwing good money after bad. Official Status: Just Friends.
A blue-eyed blond hottie (like my former wife) in the cycling club started flirting with me and I flirted back. Turns out I was getting played. Clueless me the only person in the world who didn’t know she was dating a friend of mine in the group on the down-low, things were rocky between them and she was only trying to get him jealous. Sigh. Another friend clued me in, and I flat out told her she was off-limits to me. Funny thing, communication continued, and I’ve inexplicably become her confidant, usually about her troubles with my friend. A weird game, as I have no insight for her, and refuse to get in the middle. I don’t know what her deal is. Attractive, successful, wealthy, she is used to getting any man she wants, and can’t comprehend his foot-dragging and the possibility he doesn’t want her. At the heart of the matter I believe is deep-seated insecurity from an abusive husband putting her down for over 20 years. She craves being the center of attention, and needs being wanted to validate her. Official Status: Just Friends.
One last Vegas rendezvous scheduled with California Dream Girl. I say “last,” because I’m done chasing what I can’t have. How (and why) does this slacker keep getting involved with women so far out of his league? We’ve never had sex, she’s obviously not attracted to me, and there’s the long-distance thing. I couldn’t even begin to describe our “relationship.” I’ve had gfs here and she has her life there. Ex-husband has moved back in, old best-friend-(with-benefits) is still around, she’s still on the dating sites, and was reportedly engaged for a short time to some billionaire summer before last. No explanations, no apologies, none of it is any of my business, unless I’d care to ask, and I don’t. Live and let live. Point is there is no room for me in her current life. Only possibility would’ve been to buy a place on the coast and see if she’d come to me, but I’ve invested my limited resources locally for now, and there’s no Plan B. I hinted to bail on Vegas, but it’s still on, and I keep my promises. I could upgrade to the topless beach and admire her breasts, but I think I’ll bring my bike and go for a ride. Official Status: Just Friends
Meanwhile, the woman I should be with still isn’t ready for me, probably won’t ever be. I might’ve had a chance with her once, but the moment went south. I sometimes have the nagging sensation I’m supposed to chase her and not take “no” for an answer, but the problem with that idea is I DO take “no” at face value. Official Status: Just Friends
So there you have it, no girl trouble for me.
I’m sick and tired of still being so naive and immature at this age. I can’t seem to grow up, so my only recourse is to play mature and hope some of the acting sticks.
I am also embarrassed to feel like such a horn dog, too often looking at women in a sexual subtext. I understand objectification of women is wrong, but I often can’t seem to help myself. I like sex and want sex. I’ve been spoiled by a long marriage of awesome sex with a beautiful woman, and some rewarding relationships since then. Here is how I should look at it: I’ve had my time in the sun and more than my share. Now is the time to embrace being a gentleman bachelor. Be a friend to women. Stop acting horny and desperate.
Women want a “real man.” I hear this in media and song. If I knew what a real man was, maybe I could try to be one. I think it’s supposed to someone who is confident and takes charge. Except sometimes today’s take-charge man is tomorrow’s control freak. Who wants that?
I’ll settle for being a good man. A quiet confidence would be nice. Sensitive and caring. Yeah, that would be good enough for me.